Worst. Date. Ever. part 2

(just some advice, if you ever decide to write a "to be continued" post, write the whole thing out and just post part.  That way, if life suddenly gets busy/you have to adjust to a new routine, your readers don't have to wait for three weeks!)

Part One, in case you missed it.

This is not the guy I went out with, but if you need to picture someone, picture this jerk.

So here I am on my date with Kalon a boy whose name I can't remember, that had his friend ask me out.  We just finished watching the BYU Folk Dance Teams perform and they were amazing.  Best thing about the date.  My original plan for that evening was to visit my roommate at work and have some dinner.  I must have told this guy because he suggested we should still do that.  My roommate Becky worked at a Thai restaurant near campus so we drove over. 

They weren't very busy that night so when Becky had a second she sat down to visit.  She later told me I looked like I was having an awful time and she wanted to give me a break!  Awesome roommate.  She asked if he had served an LDS mission, and he had in Finland.  She asked: "Do you still read the Book of Mormon in Finish?"  And I just started laughing!  I thought she was asking him if he still read the Book of Mormon, which is a very personal question.  So I told them what I thought was so funny and he replied, very very serious: "Well, I do.  And I work at the Provo Temple on Thursdays." (If you're not LDS, working at the temple is volunteer service and its a great thing to do, but not something that you really brag about.  Its like bragging about how humble you are. . . )

Becky went back to work and we finished eating.  When it was time to pay, Dude asks Becky if they accept American Express cards, oh wait, except he called it AMex.  "Do you accept AMex?"  They did not.  Dude was clearly disappointed, but offers up another card.  "People ask us all the time if we take American Express, why is that card so special?" Becky asked.  "Well, this is my AMex business card and it has over 10,000 dollars charged to it.  I get a lot of free flyer miles when I use it."  Dude, can you say that a little louder?  I don't think the people across the room could hear you.

So we leave and Dude gets the car door for me and I thank him.  "You would be surprised.  One time I got the car door for a Utah girl and she looked at me and called me a pig!"  Oh, well, are you sure that's the reason why she said it?  I don't think I conveyed just how much this boy did not like girls from Utah.  Aside from all his money and businesses, it was all he talked about. 

We pull up to my house and get out of the car.  "So, Kim, I had fun.  Do you think I could get your number so we could do this again?"  And suddenly I had a revelation.  I could see the future of what would happen if I gave this guy my phone number.  Never answering, I would forever be in fear of the sound of my ring tone.  I would be scared he would show up around every corner.  And so maybe for the first time ever, I did the brave thing to do.  "I don't think so."  I don't know what he said to that, probably because I turned and ran.  I cried a little.  I felt really bad, but good for being honest at the same time. 

Now, everyone dreams of those perfectly scripted moments when you can really tell off someone that has done you wrong.  The following Sunday I had mine.  We were walking home from church on a seriously beautiful day.  I looked good (I think.  At least I felt good)  And we walked right past the boy that asked for nail polish and also asked me out.  For another dude. 

"Do you make a point of asking girls out for other guys often?"  The other guys around him chuckled.
"No. . .how was the date?"
"He was rude, stuck up and self centered."  And I flipped my hair rolled my eyes and walked past him.  Not too much anger, just enough to let him know: Seriously dumb move. 

Wanna watch the Bachelorette with me? (week 4)

Sorry I missed week three!  Last week was crazy.  Speaking of which, the ending to my worst date story is coming tomorrow.  Probably not a good idea to write a post without an ending right before the busiest week of the year. . . So anyway, Bachelorette!

This week they're going to Bermuda.  What happened to staying close to home so Emily could  be with her daughter?  Oh never mind, she brought her with. 

Ooh Emily, Bermuda while your pregnant?  Doesn't get much hotter than that!  No seriously, I was always roasting hot when I was pregnant.

And Doug gets the first one on one.  He's so nervous, he starts swearing.  Everyone is laughing.  This is the most drama you'll see with the men.  They aren't as fun to watch as the women, are they?  I will say this, I don't know if Doug had brothers.  One thing you learn about brothers is that the more upset you get the more the try to bug you.  Let it go Doug, let it go.

Foster kid, single dad starts a charity?  Like Emily said, of course you did.  Is Doug to good to be true?

Wow, what is up with that dress.  Sorry, I'm not a fan of giant sparkly butterflies.

Emily: You're not perfect?
Doug: No. (but I'm pretty close, right?  Right?)

And Doug gets a rose.  Shocker.

Group Date: 
The boys have to win a boat race to hang out with Emily that night.  I'm pretty sure this is what the boys did on Ashley's season, except they had to paddle.  These boys don't know how good they have it!

Ryan: (as the other team pulls ahead) I don't even understand this.
Me: You don't understand what?  Losing?  You poor baby.

But in the end, Ryan and his team actually do win.  I'm bummed I don't get to see more time with Emily and Sean.  But I'm not worried about him going home.

 Ryan is being a jerk, and suddenly I'm wondering where Kalon is.  What will he do if he doesn't get a date again this week?  I can't wait.

Jef, so simple and sweet.  I like you and I wanna be with you.  And then awkward time when they should have kissed.
Jef: Should we go back?
Me: NOOOOO!  Jef!  Who says that???

Oh!  Kalon is here.  And Ryan too.  Two jerks on one date.  Killing two birds with one stone?

Ryan: I'm not here to impress you, but to make an impression on you.
Me: What does that mean??  Words words words, I'm pretty sure they mean the same thing.

Did Ryan really just call her a bad example?  Kind of rude. 

Group date rose: My guess is Arie or Jef.  JEF!!  Good job holding out with the virgin lips, leave 'em wanting more.

Two on one date.  The most demonic thing ABC could come up with.

I think its weird that she's holding hands with both of them as they walk into the cave.

In the event of a cave in, Emily will have to chose who to eat and who to marry.

What is it about this girl that makes boys want to open up and cry?  And there seems to be a trend of criers = going home. 

Cocktail Party

I only have one thing to say: What the heck was up with Chris???  Doug was right, that was immature.

Rose Ceremony

I predict the two going home will be Alejandro and Long Hairs.

I was right about Long Hairs, but Charlie!  I did not see that coming!  Poor guy. 

My picks for the final four are Sean, Arie, Jef and ???  I'm not sure yet. 

Worst. Date. Ever.

When I was writing about the bachelorette, I mentioned that Kalon reminded me of a guy I went out with in college.  Julia wanted to know the story, and I decided this story deserves to be its very own post.  I tell it to my classes all the time.  Everybody has the really awful date story that becomes more of a legend than a truth.  This is mine.

One morning my friend Charley took some graduation pictures for me.  (not a critical part of the story, but I needed a reason to put this picture on the blog.  I have a distinct memory of what I wore on that date and I feel like you needed to visualize it with me) Later when I was at home a cute boy in my apartment complex came over and asked to borrow some nail polish.  He explained it was great for marking parts on your engine, it wouldn't wear off as easily as other things.  I told cute boy yes.  He had a friend with him, but I didn't pay any attention to him.  They returned a few minutes later and cute boy said, "We have an extra ticket to see [some BYU folk dance performance].  Do you want to go?"  I said sure, he said be ready by 6.  So I was.  Only it wasn't cute boy that came to my door, it was friend.  I asked about cute boy.  Friend informed me he would not be joining.  I got the impression that this had always been the plan, they just didn't feel the need to tell me. . . first flag.

So Friend and I get into the car.  What are you majoring in?  Family and Consumer Science, I say.  You?  Well, I'm at UVU for a very exclusive pilot program.  It was quite obvious that he didn't want me to think he was not BYU material.  I'm sure he came from a long line of BYU grads and was so ashamed his interested pulled him away from the Lord's University.  Also, he added, I have several small businesses.  He listed about four or five.  I can't remember even one of them!

While we're sitting down he asks, How many kids in your family.  I'm the oldest of six, I say.  Wow!  Thats a huge family!  There's just me and my brother in my family.  We're very close.  As if my family was way too big to be close. 

So Kimberly, what instruments do you play, you know other than the piano?  At this point, he's been talking up stereo types of typical Utah girls and I knew this would fit right it with his idea of the "typical Mormon girl".  So I'm sorry to say, I lied.  Did I tell you I played the piano?  No, I just assumed.  Oh because I don't.  I play the guitar.  He was stunned.  And I was going to tell the truth, that I do play both the piano and guitar, but I play the guitar very badly.  But he was just so smug I though I would be forgiven for this small white lie.

After the show was over he took me to get dinner.  Things were about to get . . . weirder.  To be continued. . .

READ PART 2 HERE

Secrets of a School Teacher

I'm not a mom of teenagers.  Heck, my baby is barely one!  But over the last five years I have taught over 1500 teens (probably a low estimate!!) and they tell me things, things that would shock most of you (and that's probably what they were going for: shock).  And when you get to see that large of a sample, you see patterns.  So here is some advice for parents of teens.  At the very least, I want to remember it for when my kids are teens!  So if you don't want to listen, no hard feelings.  This can just be for me.

Help your girls have a good self esteem

Sometimes I freak out thinking about my students and worrying that my daughter will grow up to be just like them.  Their shirts are too low, their skirts are too short, their earrings and hair and nails too crazy.  But when I get to know the girls that cause these panic attacks, its easy to see the patterns.  They don't feel good about themselves, they need attention from boys to boost their feelings.  Some simple things you can do:

Tell them you love them.  Once a girl got a text in class.  Her eyes brimmed with tears and she looked at me and said, "My mom just said 'I love you," for the first time in two months."  No matter how much you fight with your kids or how rebellious they seem they just want your love.  I promise.  I have never heard a student tell me otherwise.

Show them they're important by being there for them.  One student had been in my classes for over two years.  I get these types, they click with me and take everything I offer.  I love it!  She stayed one day after school to make up a test.  She always complained about her mom not buying her enough things or not getting her the phone she wanted (even though she had a LOT of clothes and an iPhone even I couldn't afford).  But that day while she was in my class her mom called.  From what I heard I could tell her mom was calling to say she would not be coming home from her trip as soon as she planned.  My girl said, "You are my mom.  Do you know what moms do?  They help you and they're there for you.  You have a daughter!  You need to come home!"  It was so emotional I knew I never wanted my daughter to feel that way.

Show them they're important by setting limits and rules.  My first year of teaching I would visit with  my students during class, rotating through each desk off 6 students.  (I only taught in that room for one year, but I always missed the set up that allowed me to chat with all of my students easily) On one desk a girl was talking about tattoos and piercings.  "My parents would never let me do that," one girl said dejectedly.  The 15-year-old, who was the ringleader of this conversation, said "My dad will let me do anything.  He loves me."  This poor girl was searching for attention she didn't get at home.  She had to tell herself he loved her, because the only thing he did to show it was ignore her. 

All of my students are worthy of love.  The ones that dress in black and look extreme were maybe the most in need of it.  I can't think of a student that I got to know where I didn't find a soft loving heart deep (but not as deep as you think) inside. 

Wanna watch the Bachelorette with me? Week 2

Let's just jump in, shall we?

Ryan's Date:

Emily's first date with Ryan kinda left me yawning.  I did not feel any chemistry between these two.  The best part of their date was when Emily said "But obviously I'll really be in charge."  That was the first comment I've heard from her that wasn't so syrupy sweet.  Why wouldn't Ryan answer the question???  How will he keep the romance alive once he's got the girl???  I'm not really a fan.

Why do the Bachelors always go on these private concert dates?  I can't think of anything more awkward than dancing while the band watches your every move.  But this time?  Even worse with all those "friends and family" of Emily's taking a million pictures with their iPhones.  Its the reason I made everyone else dance with me at my wedding.

Group Date

Kalon is annoying.  I'm not going to break down all his annoying comments.  I'm just not.

The "comedy" routine?  I don't know what Charlie was so scared of, he could not have done any worse than those two.  Maybe we didn't see the best part?  I have a feeling that we did.

"Roses are red, violets are blue.  Emily, I really want to get to know you." LAME.  I know, I know, you just came up with that on the spot.  But seriously, way to play it safe.

Jef: I think this was the best talk I've had with her yet.
Me: Out of how many?  TWO??? 

I do want to comment on one Kalon moment. 
Kalon: (in regards to getting interrupted by other guys) I'm a little more eloquent--and then I go gossip about it like a girl.

Joe's Date

So first off, I notice this guys eye brows are. . . too perfect?  I'm cool with a guy cleaning up his face a little, but be careful you don't look like my Ken doll.

And honestly that's all I've got for that one. 

Cocktail Party and Rose Ceremony

When Dad #2 is talking to Emily, I have to laugh.  "I left him at home."  I guess it just seemed funny that he felt the need to emphasize that.

Oh Kalon, you remind me of a guy I went out with.  The only guy I ever refused to go out with again to his face.  "Mentally refreshed"?  Who says that???

There were some face in the rose ceremony that were new to me: Long hair (Michael) and 2 Studs (Alejandro)

In the end she sends Hipster Glasses home.  I want him to date my sister, but my husband says he's too old for her. 

Sean.  I like him.  My money is on Sean.  He'll lay low for a few episodes but then I bet they have a really great one on one and he at least makes it to hometowns.

Good grief I need a nap.  Yawn.

I just made the best black beans I've had since Cafe Rio!

Seriously, I just did.  Like I haven't even eaten them yet, because I just finished them.  But Olivia has and I tasted some of hers and I'm excited for my dinner now!  But I don't follow recipes.  And too often my awesome food adventures get forgotten because I don't remember what I did.  So before I forget even one little thing, I typing this up, and I might as well share!! 

If I took a picture of what mine looked like, you would never believe how good they taste. 

Black Refried Beans (loosely based on this recipe)

1 can black beans, drained and rinsed
1/2 onion, diced
1 vegetable broth bullion cube (or 1/2 of a Knorr brand cube, which is what I used)
about 1 cup water, divided
1/8 tsp garlic powder (I think.  Who knows for sure. . . )
Salt and pepper to taste

Cook onion with a about 1/4 c of water in a small saucepan.  While the onion cooks, add the bullion cube.  Stir occasionally, adding more of the water as necessary.  Add the black beans and mash them with a potato masher.  Add the remaining water, or as much as of the remaining water as you want (kinda depends on how thick you want your beans) Add garlic powder, salt and pepper to taste. 

Easy peasy lemon squeesy!

Wanna watch the Bachelorette with me? Week 1 (and a day late!)

I know this is late.  I just couldn't stay up until 10 to watch it.  But I hate watching it alone, all of my witty sarcasm and biting remarks going to waste.  So I pretended I was watching it with you!  And wrote down all obvious and mean things I would say about the show I love to hate.  Its like live tweeting only not live and I don't have a character limit.  Okay, here we go. . . 

Okay, ten seconds in I'm already freaking!  Hasn't anyone told Emily that releasing balloons into the air is dangerous!  They are going to pop in a forest and get eaten by a duck.  Its like she missed Earth Day in 2nd grade.

And how did I miss that she's 26!?!?!  I feel . . . old.

Emily: I can't go through this and fall in love and have it not work again.
Me: Girl!  Have you even seen this show before?!?!  Honey you have a better chance at finding love on the Biggest Loser.  Better bust out that ice cream.

How often do you think the tragic accident is going to be mentioned?  So far: 2 and I'm only 7 minutes in. . .

And Kalon has already claimed the "First day of the rest of my life" phrase.

David: I've written a lot of songs specifically about trying to find true love.
Me: Wow, that is so awesome.  No singer/songwriter has ever done that before.
David: Emily, Emily, Emily oh oh Emily. . .
Me: Great lyrics.  How do you come up with this stuff??

Oh great.  Jef.  Choosy Bachlorettes chose Jef.  All you have to do is say "Salt Lake City" and you know crazy is about to happen. 

AND JEF IS THE WINNER OF MY "FAIRY TALE" CONTEST.  I wondered if we would hear it much with 25 dudes instead of 25 girlies, but I knew someone would bust it out. 

*mention of Emily's ex-finance and the tragic accident

Emily: This could be the night that I meet my husband.
Me: Its like I already wrote this script for this show.

*mention of Emily's tragic story

And now the moment you've been waiting for you have to suffer through, Emily meeting the bachelors!!  They're all going to try and stand out with a stupid one liner.  Let's see what we got here: 

Jackson: Life is not about the number of breaths we take, but the moments that take our breath away.
Me: Oooookay, so how many times did you watch Hitch for tips on dating before coming on the show?

Aaron: I'm a high school biology teacher, but I'm here to have chemistry with you!
Emily: What do I say to that? "Awesome"

Did you see Emily do the don't-ever-touch-me-again shudder-shrug after Alessandro hugged her?  She did not look smitten.  Poor guy.

I'm starting to wonder if Jef is a BYU student just trying to complete an assignment for an acting class.  #doesntseemserious (hash tagging in blog posts is like the cool new thing to do)

Stevie comes dancing in.  He tells her he's a dancer/DJ/entertainer.  Sounds like a guy whose ready to settle down and be a dad.

Now we see Tony waltzing in with a glass slipper.  I am going to retract Jef as the winner of my fairy tale contest.  Wow.  Just seriously, wow.  And since you can't hear my voice, let me just tell you, not in a good way.

Oh my gosh, he's trying the shoe on her!  I hope it doesn't fit, I hope it doesn't fit. . . Dang it.

Some random bachelor: Feelings may get hurt down the road.
Me: What?  No!  No one ever gets hurt on this show.  You must be confused with Sesame Street.

The egg thing.  I can't decide if that's cute or creepy.  Time will tell.

Alejandro, I feel like there is going to be a language barrier here if you can't stick to English.

And now a cocktail party:

Emily: I don't know what I did to deserve all these wonderful guys!
Me: Oh honey, its nothing you did.

*Emily's fiance died in a plane crash.  This just in.

 Emily: I'm not the most athletic girl in the world.
Jef: That's way surprising.  It looks like you're really athletic.
Translation: You have a hot body.

Aparently single parenthood is the only thing you have to have in common to make a relationship work.  According to Doug.

Kalon: Of course I want the first impression rose.  My mom taught me first impression is everything, and fortunately I showed up in a helicopter.
Me: Well my first impression of you is that you borrowed your daddy's helicopter and that Luxury Brand Consultant probably isn't a real thing.
Oh wait, raised by a single mom.  My bad.  Still, not sure I'm a Kalon fan just yet.

Is there a rule that the bachelorette has to go with the person who asks if they can interrupt?  Because I would put the kabosh on that real quick if there wasn't.  Rude.

Unless I missed it, I think Arie was the first to use the "connection" word!!  Ding ding ding!

*And Arie slips in the fact that Emily's finance died.

Props to Emily for explaining her feelings about racing with out mentioning any tragedies.

Chris says he deserves the first impression rose???   What does that even mean? 

Insert Rose Ceremony Here

In the future I might care about the RCs a little more, but I don't have strong feelings yet so its just one more hoop to jump through.

Whoa!  Where did this Brent guy come from!?!? SIX KIDS. Musta missed it somehow.  But seriously dude, don't take it so personally.  This is not the only way to find love!  You are still a valid person!  I feel like everyone needs to be told this after not getting a rose.  Good grief.